01.20.10
“Where we are going is here.”
Sometimes the smallest things can throw me into a tizzy. I don’t have much patience for the things in my life that aren’t in line with what I’m doing (or think I’m doing) in the moment. Today I had a moment when my smoke detector declared its low batteries. All and all not a major catastrophe, but my smoke detector is located on my high vaulted ceilings out of my reach even when perched on a chair balanced on top of a toy box with a screw driver in my finger tips. And to make matters more the detector chirped a high pitched ping every 60 seconds making my 2 large dogs seek cover from their terror directly at my feet. I started to panic with overwhelm.
I called the maintenance office and they instructed me to go get some 9V batteries and then come in to submit a written request for the work order and they would come to assist me. But, the baby is sleeping, my dogs are out of control they just won’t go lay down and now I have to go to the store? I pictured coming home to a ripped up couch and some baby toys mangled on the floor from the neurosis of my poor animals. My overwhelm was now paralyzing me.
I sat down on the couch to think about my next move and I realized I needed to take a moment. I pulled out my journal and began to write. At first the entry was a flood of emotions. I realized that this tizzy was more than just the smoke detector. In a nutshell, ” I miss my old life, I want something different, things are not okay, I’m overwhelmed, unsure and insecure”
And suddenly as if my guardian angels began to speak through my pen, “You are exactly where you are supposed to be,” the pen moved across the page, ” it is just hard to see clearly from here.”
My inner voice replied, “My intention is clarity, openness, acceptance…acceptance, not resistance.”
Aaha! I’m resiting what”is” in my life. I must surrender to all of the life-y things that make me squirm and that includes being grateful for those things because that is what encourages my growth. . My relationships, my mothering, my household duties, my daily life, that is the practice. Practice being in the moment.
And then I suddenly realized my body had relaxed. The smoke detector’s pings still bounced through my house, but in the divine timing of the universe, my perceptions had changed. In that moment I began to float the current of the river. I quit swimming upstream. It was an amazing feeling and I could see why I felt so tired. I laid down on the couch, feeling tired enough to drift off to sleep but taking a few more moments to write, “I accept who I am today. I see myself letting go of the resistance to life. To live adventurously is to not resist the flow of what is. The flow of my life is honorable. I trust where it wants to take me. I am grateful.” as I drifted off to sleep.
Jack Kornfield talks about in his lovely book After the Ecstasy, the Laundry, “Where we are going is here.”
